blahh...

you know how sometimes you just have those days where everything seems to just be blahh...? today has been one of those days for me. nothing huge has happened to make it this way. maybe it's because it's been raining non stop for the last 48 hours? whatever it is, it just came out of nowhere...kind of like how body fat just creeps on (weird analogy, but just level with me here).

seeing that i'm not so good at the journaling anymore, all i want to do is just type...so here i go.

home has been difficult. not when it comes to family. my family is great and i have loved being home with them. it's also not in the sense that i haven't had friends, or i haven't done anything fun, because i have. i have been very blessed as far as my social life goes.

for the last few months i've just felt off.

maybe it's because i wasn't able to find a job that actually gives me work to do? or it could be because it's winter and winter brings no motivation for anything? or maybe it's because my best friend is in mississippi and the only form of communication to her is through letters? i'm thinking it's the best friend one.

last night i thought about jessica a lot. it's been 4 months and 7 days since i said goodbye to the one person who i felt truly got me and loved me for who i am. i know that she still does, but it's hard having to sacrifice a best friend like her. i know that sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven, but i'm struggling seeing the blessings here. (i just felt uber guilty writing that...). if you can't tell, patience is something that i struggle with every day. then again who doesn't? let's just say the next 12 months are going to have to be taken with baby steps. tiny, baby steps.

my schedule for the summer changed a bit. i was originally supposed to leave for utah to start efy, but it got pushed back a week. so now i'm home for 2 more weeks, which at first was frustrating, but is actually a good thing really. i have lots of family coming into town, my dad's 50th birthday this weekend, sister's dance recitals, a friends homecoming from her mission in japan, and a family friend's wedding. i'm going to be busy, which is good. this whole sitting on the couch watching t.v. is getting old...not that i don't love my shows, but i'm ready for some fun.

friends are getting married...this is a tough subject to talk about because there was this one time not too long ago when i was supposed to get married. i've never talked about this on a blog before, and i figure it's about time to because there's something about it that's eating me alive and i'm tired of it. the details of it all aren't important to me anymore, but today i realized something. that something is what it was like to

have a first love and to lose it.

we only dated for a couple of weeks before we knew that we wanted to get married. for any of you that know me, you know that that was fast. my rule for any kind of relationship that's going to get serious is 4 seasons and 2 trips - a trip with my family and a trip with his. we had 1/2 of a season of dating and a trip with a bunch of friends.

but i had fallen for this boy like i'd never fallen before. 

now we weren't engaged officially, but i had reached the point where i was done looking. i had found the one. but before i knew it, he was a jerk and it was over. the road was hard, but i got through with a lot of help from my savior. there was a lot of praying, fasting, and temple trips inside as well as sitting in my car in the parking lot. because of the savior through the help of the holy ghost, i was able to feel his love for me and the much needed peace.

it's now almost 2 years later, but this boy did a lot of damage and i still feel (at times) as if i'm trying to pull the shrapnel from my bleeding heart. but i am so grateful i didn't marry this boy. sure we might have had fun together, but i know our relationship wouldn't have lasted, and wouldn't have been founded on what it should be: the gospel.

it was a blessing in disguise for me.

it was a blessing because it opened so many doors to me. there are a lot of things that i wouldn't have been able to do (efy for years 2 & 3), and a lot of people that i wouldn't have met (jessica) if i would've gotten married. my time to meet that oh so knight in shining amour hasn't come yet...but someday soon it will (hopefully). of course i'm ready to finally have someone who will treat me how i should be treated, but until then, all i can do is make the best with what i've been given and continue to surround myself with good people.  

ok, i've rambled on for a long time, but i feel so much better...its crazy what a good rambling can do for the heart and mind! what can i say, i'm a girl on fire...